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How to study your flashcards.
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75 Cards in this Set
- Front
- Back
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Find truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair. Then empathize, paraphrase other persons words, and acknowledge what he/she is feeling.
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Use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset", rather than "you" statements, such as "You're wrong!" or "You're making me furious!" Ask "what would you like me to do?"
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In order to get extreme emotions, you have to have extreme thinking to go along with it. Reduce extreme thinking.
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Confidence is OK to try. Its not about succeeding.
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Change extreme self-defeating thinking that leads Unhealthy Emotions the "C" (Depression, Shame, Embarrassment, Guilt, Jealousy, Hurt, Anxiety, Fear, Phobia, Worry, Anger, Rage)
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Stop: Demandingness (absolutes, musts, demands, shoulds), Catastrophizing (terrible, horrible, totally bad/rotten, couldn't be worse)
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Stop: Low Frustration Tolerance (can't stand it, can't tolerate it), Global Damnation or Rating (I/He/She/World is Worthless etc.)
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Dispute any distorted beliefs "D" and find more effective beliefts "E" (non-dogmatic wishes, preferences, and desires; accurate evaluations, high frustration tolerance, elemental rating)
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Develop Effective Beliefs "E":
Non-Dogmatic wishes, preferences and desires (I wish for things to go my way but it doesn't HAVE TO BE my way.) |
Develop Effective Beliefs "E":
Accurate Evaluations (It may be bad, unfortunate, etc., but it's not a catastrophe.) |
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Develop Effective Beliefs "E":
High Frustration Tolerance (I don't like it, but I can stand it, even though it may take work.) |
Develop Effective Beliefs "E":
Elemental rating (Some quality may be bad or inferior but not a total loss, failure, etc. OR I and others are fallible but never TOTALLY good, bad, etc.) |
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Develop Healthy Negative Feelings:
Disappointment, Concern/Caution, Annoyance/Irritation, Sadness, or Regret |
Set out a personal Goal "G" for the next time a similar situation occurs.
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Identify a homework exercise "H" to practice new beliefs/goals so they become more automatic.
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Get rid of pride (unhealthy positive emotion) because along with pride is shame (unhealthy negative emotion). Instead develop the DESIRE to achieve, not the NEED to achieve.
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Don't ever condemn or dump on yourself or other people. No Global Rating!
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If you start with a Consequence/Self Defeating Behaviour "C", quickly go to situation where unhealthy emotion/behavior was activated "A" and then FOCUS ON BELIEFS and DISTORTIONS "B" you had.
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Remember, there are no ROTTEN people.
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Goal: Not to care what people think about you.
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Attack the shame (unhealthy negative emotion) and seek criticism.
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Fuck up on purpose from time to time. Go to grocery store with shirt not buttoned straight OR play basketball with left hand and eyes closed. Acknowledge that these situations don't define you, are not good or bad, but merely unfortunate.
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Stop rigid guarantees that everything must go right = anxiety
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Stop rigid demands that people must behave well = anger
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Stop rigid self-awfulizing = depression
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When you feel paralyzed .. ACT! (accept that sometime you will be criticized)
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Swap "Oh No", or "Oh shit", for
"OH WELL" |
To avoid fighting with people, make sure to answer their questions. EX) If they ask, "How are you feeling?", answer honestly "I'm tired, lethargic and I'm not liking this show."
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Remember to Dispute your Irrational Beliefs "D" and replace them with Rational Effective Beliefs "E". This will help ease stress, release anger, and relieve anxiety.
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Examples of Disputing Irrational Beliefs:
"Why MUST I do very well?" Where is it written that I am a BAD PERSON?" "Where is the evidence that I MUST be approved or accepted?" |
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Examples of Effective Rational Beliefs "E"
"I'd PREFER to do very well but I don't HAVE TO." "I am a PERSON WHO acted badly, not a BAD PERSON." "There is no evidence that I HAVE to be approved of though I would LIKE to be." |
Remember: It's inconvenient not to get your way, but not TERRIBLE.
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break the connection of withdrawing from social situation after getting rejected. instead accept that rejection is part of life and keep trying!
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Be assertive meaning say to self "I deserve better treatment" You might not get better treatment but I'll do what I can do.
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After an emotion, healthy or unhealthy, ask yourself "how am I feeling now"-The "C". And then "how am I thinking"-The "B".
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State your preference.
Ex) At restaurant or coffee shop, tell waiter, "I'm thinking, give me a minute." |
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Remember, people are probably judging you or listening to your conversation from time to time, but its "OH WELL", not "this is awful".
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Remember that you can stand anything except death. So don't say "I can't stand it" unless your on your way out!
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Feign a foreign language from time to time, or speak in a nonsensical way. Persuasion and order is not necessary.
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Remember if someone criticizes you, say "OH WELL".
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walk toward social people, make eye contact, say hello- that's what social people do
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share flaws on purpose from time to time. its not necessary to be perfect all the time.
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stop global rating yourself after getting rejection. rejection is part of life and has nothing to do with your value as a human being
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a disagreement is tolerable, and argument is a lose lose situation. so disagree more without getting too emotional and over heated.
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when you find that your beating yourself up, ask. "is beating yourself up, helping you?" if the answer is "no", then STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!
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Persistence is important for confidence
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Allow yourself to make mistakes. Try not to beat yourself up for failing. You're not perfect, and how can I start, now"
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Help others with "A", "B", "C's", ask them what does that mean? etc.
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Overcome behaviors that result from negative thoughts by doing the opposite. ex) Be assertive, talk in loud voice and ask for what you want, order slowly. If they're rude, counter with "let me think ..., what's in a BLT?"
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Prime yourself if necessary before entering tough environment. Picture what may happen, what your mission is, and just psych yourself up for it.
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Find opportunities to be confident. Just as you would practice vocabulary words.
Ex)Talk in a confident tone at Dunkin Donuts and say what you prefer. |
Practive confidence by developing positive thoughts and behaviors that are helpful.
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EVERY MORNING:
Take deep breath, think of 3-4 situations that might occur today and think of confident ways you will handle it. Ex)I will ask people to give me a minute before getting back to them. |
Good Self Esteem people say "She gave me a mean stare and I don't know why", Low self esteem people say "She was staring at me as if I were a freak" - don't fill in the blanks with neg. statments.
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Try to de-personalize and try not to interpret what others do-no global rating.
ex)ask a mean starer "wow, you really made eye contact for a long time" or just be warm, introduce self "are you the librarian here?" |
Be MINDFUL, expect the positive and usually things will work out.
usually it will be their problem if they reject you or give you hard time |
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no guilt tripping, guilt is a negative unhealthy emotion. Feel sad or regretful instead.
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Remember you don't need approval from anyone. You may prefer to be approved, but if you are not, you learn to live without it.
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Develop good goals "G" after coming up with healthy feelings "F" to dealing with people. ex)emotional goal is to feel better ex)practical goal to dealing with difficult personality is to match wits, sarcasm, go along with what she is saying and say "you must be right, and I must be wrong, ah huh"
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If you have a Goal "G", work on STRENGTHENING beliefs that gets you the goal and WEAKENING the beliefs from before.
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Goal: See everything in gray, and don't see in black and white. See things as they are, but not as terrible, great etc.
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Goal: Do counter opposite of what everyone else is doing now, almost always. EX)Next will be best time to buy house even though no one will buy. ex)if someone yells at you, talk really quietly ex)be gentle if kids are disrespectful at library
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Use Colombo approach when dealing with difficult situation w/ people. EX) Could you keep the noise down a bit? Pose things as questions.
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Learn to understand other people. And not to become disturbed or angry by others. Ex) Teenagers are disrespectful and loud at library because they are not reasonable as a unit.
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Remember, when people act disruptive, its only a reflection on them.
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Give up the urge to defend yourself to anyone else. You can still do what you want to do and strive to be what you want to be.
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Don't put yourself in an extreme emotional position until that extreme position is warranted, like car accident, in danger for your life, etc.
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Lower your expectations. Expect people to misbehave and if they don't you will be pleasantly surprised.
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To deal with frustration tolerance, study in a very noisy place on purpose. Do many things at once. Read while standing in line. Expect the worse, accept the situation, and do your best despite distractors.
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To avoid anxiety and reach relaxation, dispute your negative thoughts.
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After disputation phase, start to simply categorize things as "healthy" or "unhealthy"
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Give up all guarantees to get rid of anxiety.
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Don't let regret (healthy emotion) become self-dowining (unhealthy emotion)
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Stop proving whether people are right or wrong because there is no proof of rightness and wrongness. Everything is interpreted by our own thoughts, so don't rate, just tolerate.
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Next time anyone complains, LISTEN AND TOLERATE versus argue. This leads to better long-term outcome.
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Seek social situations until you crave being in social situations.
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Change your thoughts, change your life - Windy Dyer
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"A" X "B" = "C"
The Beliefs "B" are the multiplier. Minimize your B, and reduce the intensity of emotional consequence "C". If "A" activating event is a large number, then definitely minimize the "B" to keep "C" small. |
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Don't worry about what people think is practicing good self-esteem.
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Strong personalities have the core philosophy that there MUST be a right and wrong answer, and that they MUST have it. But that's ridiculous to think so, so don't be intimidated.
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Its best if you don't attach your value to anything. Especially when you are attempting to be assertive.
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Give yourself a pat on the back for asserting yourself. Don't focus on the outcome, just the doing of it.
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Understand that healthiness doesn't mean never being bothered.
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Its ok to be a little upset, in fact, if you don't get upset, people will tend to walk over you.
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When you get startled or upset, stop yourself and do thinking. Pay attention to what you're thinking. Look out to see if you're using MUST statements, etc.
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Emotional problems are difficult to cure bc you can't stop having emotions. Just like overeaters have a hard time dieting bc they're constantly exposed to food.
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Keep all emotions in moderation. Greek philosophers say keep all things in moderation. Find a good level of sadness, depression etc.
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State your preference, instead of getting angry and standing up for yourself
Ex) You know I don't want to watch this tv show, but your enjoy yourself and I'll watch the game. |
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Not everyone is going to get along; this utopia doesn't exist. Learn to live up in a fucked up world!
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Recognize and don't ignore race, sex, hair color and ACCEPT IT. Learn to deal with it.
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You don't need a lot of people to connect with, just one or two people is good.
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Always look toward the future, and ask what you can do differently.
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Assertiveness = expressing your point of view, making a request for. Shame and fear of being shamed is why we don't express ourselves.
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State preference and if people still give you a negative vibe, you probably don't want to consider their opinion.
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Use Colombo approach when you get angry and want to confront. Ex) "Wow, when I read that email you said I'm annoying you with my emails, is that whats going on?"
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Move towards unconditional acceptance for people and the world AND don't take things too seriously.
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Wake up in the morning and spend five to seven minutes lying in bed and remind yourself that you're alive, and no matter what happens things are not going to be that bad. "Carpe Diem"
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Take a deep breath during the middle of the day.
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At night, do some deep breathing and muscle relaxation. 11 minutes per day of coping and relaxation is insurance for potentially hours of stress.
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Thoughts have archetypal values for emotions, just as the thought of a chair has us think of a four four legged piece of furniture. Anger has us thinking "SHOULD" statements etc.
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Don't be too hard on yourself today.
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It's not the end of the world to feel tension.
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Your perspective (being pleasant, respectful, hard working) is probably the correct one even though the vast majority would disagree.
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Don't lower your value. You are a great tutor. Not "I am just a tutor" etc.
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Did you live an honorable and enjoyable life today?
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Learn to live a simple life and accept that we haven't been self sufficient since 1820.
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If you start regressing, don't get too frustrated, just get back on track.
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Back yourself up. Tell yourself that what you're doing is pretty good stuff and that you enjoy it.
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Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
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No matter what happens, you will handle it.
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Be good to yourself.
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Think "abundance".
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Don't do anything in secret.
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You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
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Ask for what you want.
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If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
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Control is an illusion. Let go. Let life happen.
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Let people help you.
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Whatever you do, do it one hundred percent.
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As long as I continue making a difference, and continue making positive changes, I know I will be fulfilled.
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it's not the end of the world to feel tension
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Goal: teach people in life the REBT I learned so that they can help you too.
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you are good enough already, get that in your head, so say what's on your mind and let self be freer and more relaxed
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Better to be a dick to the entire world than to be a dick to your family
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Filter out the negative thoughts in head (and there will always be negative thoughts creeping in) and FOCUS on positive things going on in head
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Goal: If need to get out frustrations, don't take it out on wife. Find a different way. (if wife punches me in the nose, don't punch her back and she's still not an unloving person for doing it)
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There is some goodness in everybody, FIND IT
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Goal: Make pact to self to never call your wife names again. Drinking less will help you keep this pact.
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most of us deserve less and we take things for granted, so be grateful
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When you feel bad, change the nature of your automative thoughts from anxiety provoking to anxiety eliminating.
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Goal: Have no more than 2 drinks an hour, and no more than 5 drinks on any given night. I'm a problem drinker-this gets rid of the problem
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It IS possible to never argue, you can have many conflicts and still never argue. And you don't have to resolve conflicts.
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Rule 1: Never criticize your partner in public
Rule 2: Never criticize your partner (bc this is global rating, global rating is irrational) |
If you go into social situation, you can always prime yourself
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Next time you go to a party, make it a game. Practice your interviewing skills, practice taking criticism, learn everyones name. This takes pressure off.
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You don't have to defend unless you feel threatened. Why MUST you have to defend yourself?
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Keep working on your INTERNAL DIALOGUE. Watch out of taking things too personally. Instead talk objectively about things. See facts as they are (instead of placing self at great risk emotionally)
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Don't be too hard on others, and be tougher on yourself (develop a shell so that criticism bounces off, but don't make too hard of a shell)
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Accept the fact that I can be wrong and it doesn't make me an idiot, fool (then you don't have to worry about being too soft or hard on self)
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Why waste energy on arguments you can't win. Especially with someone with staunch views (you prob. won't change their opinion so don't waste time)
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Safest bet is not to get too animated or loud
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You need to PRACTICE disagreeing in a healthy way.
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Learn to have an easy time biting your tongue.
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When you argue, you're NOT SOLVING the problem but AVOIDING the problem (its a waste of time)
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When you're about to get angry, look for those final cues "musts" or demanding. That's the cue to STOP IT!
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Remember, if your private life gets out of the house and into the public, well at least you'll have no skeletons in the closet.
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Talk about your anger and problems openly. This will rid the shame, regret, guilt and self-doubting.
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There are no redeeming functions with shame. Shame is pure emotion. Talk openly about your demons. Take chances.
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HW: Learn to not take things personal by RECEIVING CRITICISM! Sit down with wife and tell her that I need to learn how to disagree in a productive way and I have a problem seeking criticism.
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What would you say to the boyfriend of your daughter if he told her to Fuck off? Treat your wife as you would like your daughter to be treated by your son in law.
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