Relational Dialectics

The opposing forces, or tensions, that are normal in relationship. There are 3 that have been identified:

1. Autonomy/Connection. (I need my own space/I want to be close)
2. Novelty/Predictability. (I like the familiar rhythms and routines of our relationship/ We need to do something new and exciting)
3. Openness/Closedness. (I like sharing so much with you/ There are some things I don’t want to talk about with you)

Games are highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing. They involve cooperation between two players. Covert conflict takes place through games. Example: a.“Blemish”: One person pretends to be complimentary but actually puts another down.
b.“Now I’ve Got You”: Person deliberately sets another person up for a fall
c.“Mine is Worse than Yours”
d.“Yes, but”: Person pretends to be asking for help but then refuses all help that’s offered. Helps to make person trying to help feel inadequate for being unable to help

Bullying, having communication that fails to confirm individuals, poor listening, preoccupation with self, not being supportive, undercutting, cross-complaining (one person’s complaint is met by a counter-complaint), hostile mind reading, frequent interruptions, kitchen-sinking, counterproposals, excessive metacommunication, self-summarizing by both partners, negative affect.

1. Confidence that others will be dependable.
2. Trust assumes emotional reliability, which is the belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare.
*When we believe both dimensions are present, we feel safe sharing private information with friends, and secure in the knowledge that they wont hurt us.
*Trust involves believing in another’s reliability and emotionally relying on another to look out for our welfare and our relationship.

1. Role-limited interaction: basically describes the different ways that you meet people by accident; like on a team or a club or at school. The initial meeting is the first stage of interaction and possibly of friendship; during this stage we tend to rely on social rules
2. Friendly relations: where each person checks out the other to see whether common ground and interests exist.
3. Moving toward friendship: we start moving beyond social roles; many friendships never move beyond this phase; the friends enjoy interacting but generally don’t invest a lot of effort to arrange times together
4. nascent friendship: the stage of nascent, or embryonic friendship; we interact more personally with others, we progress to sharing feelings, values, concerns, interests; friends begin to work out their private rules for interacting
5. Stabilized friendship: where you just assume you’re going to see the other person, you don’t have to necessarily plan it; this is when you start sharing the same friends and such; consider the friendship ongoing
6. Waning friendship: when one or both friends stop investing in a friendship; friends drifting apart for various reasons (anything you can think of); this is not to say they can’t be prepared

1. Committed romantic relationships
Relationships between individuals who assume they will be primary and continuing parts of each other’s lives
Requires three components:
Passion, commitment, intimacy
Passion vs. intimacy, with someone whom you are in a romantic relationship intimacy is referring to emotional intimacy; whereas passion is sexual

2. Romantic Relationships: Voluntary, but involve sexual and romantic feelings (main difference between friends vs. romantic)

Stage 1: establishing a family: a couple with no children
Stage 2: couples with children
Stage 3: developing a family, the energy of raising a family
Stage 4: encouraging independence
Stage 5: launching children, last child leaves home
Stage 6: post launching of children happens after children and spouses have to redefine their relationship
Stage 7: retirement

(i)unproductive conflict: the foundation of unproductive conflict is established by communication that fails to confirm individuals; once a negative climate has been set, it is stoked by other unconstructive communication; even if people make little progress in solving their problems, limited time and energy guarantee an end to an episode of conflict. These unproductive patterns in managing conflict reflect a preoccupation with oneself and a disregard for the other.
(ii) constructive conflict: creates a supportive, positive climate that increases the possibility of resolving differences without harming the relationship; the foundation of constructive management of conflict is established long before a specific disagreement is aired; the foundation sets the tone for communication during conflict.
Middle stages: “agenda building”- involving staying focused on the main issues, keeping on target; later stages: the attention shifts to resolving the tension. People keep collaborating.
-specific differences: can be summarized as the difference between confirming and disconfirming communication; communication that is characteristic of unproductive conflict disconfirms both individuals and the relationship, whereas the communication in constructive conflict consistently confirms both people and the relationship