The era, culture, and setting are authentic. The dialect of the time also sounds authentic. The tone is consistently dramatic.
While certainly the story deserves to be told, the script would benefit from more development. The concerns about the current presentation are the structure and the lack of a consistent …show more content…
Without a central character, there’s no real goal for them to achieve and no solid direction for the plot. The stakes for a central character need to be more defined.
In addition, the script presents with too many characters. This hinders the opportunity to fully develop the core characters. The structure jumps around from one character to another and their individual stories are never fully formed.
There are a few solutions and choices to make. Consider streamlining the story to tell a more specific period of time vs. spanning so many years. For example, perhaps tell Buxtun’s story of being a whistleblower. Show how he learns about the cover-up or conspiracy, how he struggles for them to do the right thing and how he struggles about being a whistleblower. Focus on his story working with Jean Heller.
Or the story could focus on the lawsuit that was filed by the attorney, who brought the case to the court. One could envision one of the elderly men approaching the attorney to take their case, but the attorney would be initially resistant to it, however, they would then agree to take the case when they learn about the immorality of the experiments and the …show more content…
While they are all likable characters, some of them lack depth. For example, Rivers is likable. She’s at her best with the men she cares for. She’s honest with them for the most part and she knows how to talk their language. She’s caught up in a moral dilemma, but she never fully comes to life as a character with great inner conflict. There’s a lack of genuine emotion in her.
Buxton is introduced too late and there’s no real opportunity to tell his story or to create him as a character. The same concern is created with the characters of Jean Heller and the attorney Fred Gray. The structure doesn’t allow for them to be developed.
There are several antagonists, yet none of them stand out, as being the main adversary.
Thus, because of the structure, the tension is mild. Tension should build and intensify as the story progresses. The main character should undergo some character growth too.
In addition, the professional presentation can be elevated. Some characters are introduced more than once, such as Charlie Polland (pages 3 and 27) and Willie or William Gamble (unclear if they are the same character or not). Herman Shaw goes from age 80 to age 70. When introducing a character for the first time, CAP their name.
In summary, the concept is a powerful premise to bring to the screen. However, the script needs a more solid structure to deliver a more compelling